MENOPAUSE AND MONKEYS

What do you do at 3:28 AM when you’ve been lying awake since 2:37 AM plagued by tiresome night sweats and listening to your monkey-brain natter on about how you really need to get back to sleep only to have it go on to detail your life from the moment you began packing for a new adventure…

Photo credit: kuuleilani.wordpress.com

Photo credit: kuuleilani.wordpress.com

“Wrong bag—wrong photo!” a primate shrieks in the darkness. “Now this is more like it!my suitcase “Yeah, she can only dream of ever wearing a bikini again.”

“Again?” a lemur comments, swinging between synapses. “Did she ever wear one?”

“Maybe in a nightmare…” an Urangatan quips, scratching his orange belly.

Do you see what I mean? They ever stop! Now, where was I?

“What do you do when you’ve been tossing and turning and a troop of monkeys will not let you sleep?” a baboon brays in my head, picking his teeth with a twig.

“First of all, donkey’s bray,” another adds. “Second, be happy he’s not picking ants off his bright blue butt, and third, in answer to your question, you let us pick up where we left off—”

Who can argue with that?

Then, all ooo-ooo-ing and ah-ah-ah-ing at the same time, they squibble about:

–the ride to the bus that took me to the airport and how incredibly blue the sky was against the deep orange of the Golden Gate Bridge for a Tuesday afternoon in April.

And they squabble about:

–my never-ending amazement at how a five ton…sure it’s not fifty?…let’s just call it a very heavy tin can is able to lift off the ground as gracefully as a sparrow AND the fact that this humongous steel bullet, loaded with piles of plastic and heaps of human flesh, can shoot you halfway across the planet…well, maybe only a third of the way… at a speed of 500 miles per hour…yes, I’m sure it was 500…thirty-eight THOUSAND feet above the ground to my destination—the mystical, magical land of haggis,OI Haggis

kilts,309537_1844148642740_491747322_n and bagpipes.307708_1844150522787_765020118_n

What do you do when you simply can’t sleep because your body thinks it’s 9:17 PM, your brain won’t shut off, and the third in a string of hot flashes is wearing off?

You kick off the blanket and get up and write about it for this week’s blog post while a soft rain patters against the window. Then you look out that window and pray the chatter from the peanut gallery will finally be silenced at the sight of Nessie rearing her head from the Loch across the street.Nessie

Any jet lag remedies out there worth sharing? I would appreciate it—

About Donna Gwinnell Lambo-Weidner

I am an adventure seeking ponderer of the mysteries of the universe, writer of children's books (represented by Stephen Fraser of the Jennifer DeChiara Literary Agency), and lover of anything involving armor, archery, or swashbuckling.
This entry was posted in ADVENTURES, HOLIDAYS, HUMOR and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

18 Responses to MENOPAUSE AND MONKEYS

  1. Spiritual pursuits: A chakra meditation is always a good thing. Calming. Aligning. I usually do this after consulting the other spirit world with a good stiff drink, which might actually exacerbate hot flashes–but who cares?

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  2. Nina Kozain says:

    I am with you at the Eastern gate, soul sister!

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  3. Vic says:

    lots of fun! sounds like you were very sleep deprived!! Those monkeys are very inconsiderate roommates. Did they wake you in the morning too? Maybe you should have turned on the tv. Then you could have fallen asleep while they watched.

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  4. Nice post, Donna… as usual.
    I really liked the line “What do you do when you simply can’t sleep because your body thinks it’s 9:17 PM, your brain won’t shut off, and the third in a string of hot flashes is wearing off?”
    Now I know a new word – squabble… 🙂

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  5. I don’t have a good remedy other than Tylonol PM or the like, but dear God don’t eat the haggis! Have fun!

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  6. carlpeters says:

    Perhaps if you’re up already because of the jet lag you could do a night shift somewhere? I’m lucky as I have never suffered from insomnia except maybe in my misspent youth after ingesting something hallucinogenic! & as I have only been to Spain on a plane as a child jet lag has never touched me!

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  7. My jet lag controls from various international trips:
    1) Wear ear plugs and blinders. I’m pretty sound and especially light sensitive so the darker I can make it the better.
    2) I’m very strict about caffeine. Only in the morning! no matter how tired I am.
    3) Circadian rhythms are impacted by food choices. Protein in the morning (no carbohydrates) and carbohydrates (no protein) at night, helps set sleep rhythms.
    4) Helpful to get 20 minutes or so of midday sun to set biological clock. Being inside all the time makes it harder to reestablish biological clock,

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  8. Val Mills says:

    I agree, there’s nothing to do but write. That’s when the best stuff comes, then sleep, satisfied your work is done, takes over for a few more hours.

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  9. that haggis……mmmmmmmm *shudder*

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