The rumbling stopped. The ground ceased to quake. The blaze slowed and flickered out with a sputter. While the cloud of fumes from the Saturn V rocket cleared, two masked figures stood beneath the behemoth bickering.
“What do you mean, it’s over the top?” He normally would have stroked his chin and tugged on his greying beard at this point, but things being as they are these days, Continue reading
Many of us have heard the one about the five loaves and two fishes, but what about the two rolls and one Joe Dog? Continue reading
Marie-Anne Carolus-Duran would rather have been sitting in a dark and musty closet ensconced in a nest of her riding instructor’s malodorous paddock boots and picking lint bobbles from her Sunday frock than posing for a portrait with Yéti.
The Maltese preferred the reference to Bigfoot over his given name, Mon-Petit-Chou. It was more menacing than being called someone’s little légume. Mon-Gros-Chou, as Continue reading
BURIED ALIVE: HOLY GUACAMOLE – HOW I ATE MY WAY FROM UNDER AN AVALANCHE OF AVOCADOS
SURVIVAL: ATTACK OF THE MUTANT MARS BAR *warning: article contains peanut reference
I LOST 50 BAZILLION POUNDS IN 24 HOURS. YOU CAN TOO!
The headlines on display at my local supermarket’s checkout counter #3 are mesmerising. It’s hard to look away even though I could care less about who
married whom last week, who’s been divorced within ten minutes of marrying their soul mate, or who was so totally flummoxed to the point of being hospitalized when their great dane gave birth to a litter of chihuahuas. Continue reading
If there were a planet between Earth and Mars that took 415 days to orbit the sun and we were blessed with living on it together, this New Year’s greeting would be on time.
It would still be the evening of January 1st, 2020. My laptop’s white-gloved-hand icon would be poised over the publish button, primed to press and send this post wishing Continue reading
“‘Tis one week ’til Christmas,” resounds through the house.
“And nothing’s been hung on the tree,” groans my spouse.
Up go his arms in a frenzy, a near panic.
“‘Twas weeks ago I dragged the box down from the attic!
“No Santas, no manger, no cookies, no lights?
What’cha been doin’ all those days and most nights?
“No halls have been decked, no doors wreathed, or bespangled,
There’s mistletoe in heaps, and the garland’s all tangled. Continue reading
I woke up this morning,
with my back to a tree
wond’ring how on earth my chin hairs
had grown past my dimpled knees.
The last thing I remember,
someone cried out, “trick-or-treat!”
Now it’s suddenly December?
Are those gnomes nudging my feet?
Was I sucked into a whirlwind?
Abducted by imps? Continue reading
Oh, y’ve done me well,
me bonnie blue plaid wellies,
always keepin’ me from sinkin’ deep
in bogs squishy, black, an’ smelly.
I’ve enjoyed our strolls across lush fairy glens,
twistin’ up trails o’ sweet smellin’ heather, Continue reading
Alice Wetherby-Pimms had a peculiar penchant for pickles. Be they sweet, sour, or dill, the child was mad about brined cucumbers. Chips, chunks, cubes, finely chopped relishes, halves, slices, spears, sticks and whole, no matter their shape, Alice craved them all.
So given the mysterious disappearance of the Pimms’s famed horticulturist Horace Hornby, one would expect her new governess to have jumped at the chance to avoid a similar end with regard to the child’s transports of delight, instead of ignoring what Alice deemed the grand theft of a not so grand cuke. Indeed, the ruckus which ensued over a petit cornichon – an ordinary gherkin, at that – was hardly worth giving it the time of day. Or so it seemed. Continue reading
Once upon a dreary Sunday many Mays ago, it was unclear whether Alice Wetherby-Pimms had quaffed the dregs of a liter of PLYMOUTH and nodded off under the Steinway or if the ten-year-old had passed out cold in the wake of sampling the near empty snifters, flutes, and tumblers strewn about the lounge after the guests had been summoned to the dinner table for her Grandpapa’s 100th birthday celebration.
As to what might have provoked the child to imbibe in the first place, well, many proposed it was the tyke’s passion for tall sailing ships that took her curiosity prisoner, hence Continue reading
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